The Man Who Never Returned

	The Man Who Never Returned (the ralphie song)

		lyrics by Karl B. Young
	sung to the tune of "Charlie and the MTA" by ?

Gonna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Ralphie,
He was workin' down at LOTS one day.
Everything was going smoothly when the screen reached up and grabbed him,
He's been missing ever since that day.

	And will he ever return? He may never return.
	And his fate will be unlearned.	
	He'll reside forever in the LOTS computer,
	As the man who never returned.

Well Queenie gave a scream and that was all that J.Q. needed,
As towards the screen he lunged.
He dashed off a system message saying Ralph had been deleted,
And no one was to expunge.

	Or else he'll never return. No, he'll never return.
	And his fate will be unlearned.
	He'll reside forever in the LOTS computer,
	As the man who never returned.

The load jumped up to 42 as soon as Ralph had entered,
They were fearing it would crash.
It was hard to think of poor old Ralph as just another core dump,
So they acted in a flash.

Yes, they called a meeting of the wheels and hackers and consultants,
And their knowledge they did merge.
They decided that they each would go on down and try to find him
Through a binary tree search.

	And will that help him return?  He may never return.
	And his fate will be unlearned (Poor old Ralphie).
	He'll reside forever in the LOTS computer,
	As the man who never returned.

Well, I went to look through all the caves and caverns of Adventure,
North and South and Up and Down and on the sides.
Then I heard a sound and turned and saw--THE DWARF WAS REALLY RALPHIE!
He was out to get my hide!!

So I threw the axe, he caught it deftly; chortled with a "Har, har",
As he chased me up the dome.
As one last chance, I threw the food--he ate and then was friendly,
I said "Plugh" and we were home.

	And did he ever return?  Yes, he safely returned
	With the treasure that he earned (good old Ralphie).
	He is saved forever from the LOTS computer.
	We are glad that he returned.

Now, ye citizens of Stanford, we hope you have learned your lessons,
When these games you wish to play.
But for a single digit, Ralphie could have been a Klingon
And then phasered right away.

So we ask you please to watch the load and, if the disk is full,
To delete all your old slush.
And if you insist to play all day, we ask you to remember
That even you can be flushed.

	And then you'll never return, no, you'll never return
	No matter how you yearn. (Just like Ralphie)
	You'll be banned forever from the LOTS computer
	Like the man who never returned.